Midlife hits, and suddenly, your body feels like it’s playing by a different rulebook. The weight won’t budge, energy is in short supply, and your brain… well, let’s just say it’s not exactly firing on all cylinders. It’s frustrating. And if you’re like most women, your instinct is to blame yourself.
"I should be more disciplined.""I just need to try harder.""Why can’t I just get my act together?"
Sound familiar? You’re not alone. But here’s the truth: menopause is not a test of willpower. Beating yourself up won’t help (in fact, it will make things worse). What you actually need right now is self-compassion—the one thing most women forget to give themselves. What you need more of in menopause is this: self-compassion - and here's how to develop that skill.
What is self-compassion (and why does it matter in menopause)?
Self-compassion is treating yourself with the same kindness and understanding you’d offer a good friend. It’s not about making excuses or letting yourself off the hook—it’s about recognising that midlife and menopause are tough, and being kind to yourself as you navigate the changes.
Kristin Neff, one of the leading researchers in self-compassion, breaks it down into three core elements:
Self-kindness – Instead of self-criticism, meet yourself with encouragement.
Common humanity – You’re not alone in this; others are struggling too.
Mindfulness – Acknowledge what’s happening without judgment or catastrophising.
Why self-criticism makes menopause harder
Here’s the kicker: self-judgment doesn’t just feel bad—it actively works against you. Studies show that chronic stress and negative self-talk can increase cortisol levels, disrupt sleep, and make it harder to manage weight. And when you feel like you’re failing, the temptation is to go harder—restrict more, push more, do more—until you’re completely exhausted.
That’s why willpower isn’t the answer. It’s not about forcing yourself into a better midlife; it’s about supporting yourself through it.
How to silence your inner critic (and turn up the self-kindness)
Imagine if your best friend came to you and said:“I feel awful. I’m so tired all the time, I’ve put on weight, and I don’t feel like myself anymore.”
Would you tell her she just needs more willpower? That she’s failing? Of course not. You’d offer reassurance, support, and practical advice.
Now, what if you tried giving yourself the same grace?
Next time your inner critic kicks in, ask yourself:Would I speak to a friend this way?Is this thought helpful or just making me feel worse?What would be the kindest thing I could say to myself right now?
Practical ways to bring more self-compassion into menopause
Self-compassion isn’t just a fluffy feel-good concept—it’s a science-backed tool that can help you feel better and make lasting changes. Here’s how to bring more of it into your life:
1. Start with self-kindness
Swap guilt-ridden “I should” thoughts for supportive “I can” ones.
Nourish your body because you deserve to feel good, not as a punishment for gaining weight.
Rest when you need it—exhaustion isn’t a badge of honour.
2. Remember you’re not in this alone
Menopause can feel isolating, but you’re not the only one struggling. Talk to other women. Share your experiences. Seek out support groups, whether online or in-person.
And don’t be afraid to ask for help. We get all in our head about not wanting to put other people out but the truth is that people love to help—it makes them feel good, too.
3. Stay in the moment
Instead of spiralling about how things used to be, practice mindfulness—whether that’s through meditation, deep breathing, or just being more present. The goal isn’t to become some zen master; it’s to stop dwelling on things you can’t change and start focusing on what you can.
Try this: Next time you’re overwhelmed, take a deep breath and say to yourself, “This is hard, and that’s okay.”Acknowledge the struggle without judgment. Then, decide on one small, kind action to take next.
The bottom line
Menopause is hard enough without your own inner critic making it worse. You don’t need more willpower—you need more self-compassion. Be kind to yourself, because you are doing the best you can. And that, my friend, is more than enough.
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